The Snot-Rocket

Oftentimes when one is out walking, one will experience a buildup of mucus in the nostrils, due to atmospheric contaminants such as smog, pollen, excessive humidity, or cigarette smoke, just to name a few. Indeed, the human nostrils are quite sensitive to changes in environmental and, indeed, physical equilibrium. It is possible that the nose could become clogged by any number of events, from cold weather to the common cold itself.

During a constitutional, or as the German's call it ein Spaziergang, the problem of nasal mucus assumes serious proportions. The useful tradition of carrying a handkerchief on one's person at all times has in recent years become quite dated and in a crowd of twenty people under age forty, it would be unusual to find even a single man in possession of one. Moreover, when one is out for a walk, it is inconvenient and gauche to carry a box of tissue papers. What then, is the educated and stylish man about town to do about his nasal difficulties?

The solution is elegant in its simplicity. Place the index finger of the right hand against the exterior of the right nare (or nostril), applying pressure so as to seal it against the flow of air. Then, turning the head 45 to 90 degress to the left, expel air from the left nostril. This must be done suddenly and with all due force, similar to that resulting from a cough or sneeze, because only a vigorous expectoration can jar the mucus from the walls of the nostril. The end result of this process should be the emission of a small ball of snot (or "snot-rocket") from the left nostril to the ground, thus clearing the nasal passage. The action can then be repeated for the right nostril, all directions being reversed.

However, prospective snot-rocketeers should be aware that this tactic is often considered very rude and even disgusting in polite society. While walking with a lady of the fairer sex or other companion it would be advisable to distract them by reference to some interesting sight or other diversion before expelling any mucus.

Advanced users of this technique will note its potential as an insulting dominance display. It is vastly more derisive and offensive than merely spitting on another person, although considerably shorter ranged and more difficult to aim. Beginners should avoid starting fights with the snot-rocket, until such a time as they have been able to practice and perfect its application.